It's hard to believe I started this at the end of June, and it's the end of August now.
I can't say the prescribing has got any easier. I did have a really good GP appointment (a two weekly routine) with a doctor who was open about their own periods of depression, and relief through anti-depressants. We were on the same page about seeing the brain as an organ, and with the analogy of diabetes, and insulin - there's no reason to think that the brain isn't subject to the same kinds of differences that occur in most, if not all other organs in our bodies.
We're each of us put together a little differently, just like all the other animals and plants in nature.
After the good appointment, and then getting to the pharmacy, the same problem cropped up with the good doctor having overlooked dating the prescription. Normally it's printed automatically, but as methylphenidate is a controlled substance, they want the doctor to verify the date, and they aren't used to doing it. So five out of five mistaken/rejected prescriptions. I'm hoping that my errant memory with pull something out of the hat, and I'll remember to check it over carefully next time. It seems like some patient transgression, to check over the work of your doctor, but it's one I'm going to have to commit if I want to avoid making double trips, or triple between GP and pharmacy. Have life. Could spend time better.
I'm still on the minimum dosage of three 5mg tablets per day, and it's working well.
I do have a good life, and it's getting better.
Previously I'd never really got anywhere financially. Life was far too chaotic. It's not like that suddenly solved, but that seems to be changing as well, with some business plans that seem to be the right thing at the right time.
I'm dating, it's going well. Conversations are easier, eye contact is easier. Lots of things are easier.
I still forget what I'm talking about sometimes, but it tends to come back, or I'll be reminded by who I'm talking with. Being 'out' about adhd, and bipolar, is leading to some really good friendships, and interesting conversations. I'm much less stressed about forgetting things around people who know the score, and it's got the point of being able to joke about it. ADHD can be funny when you're talking to people and digressing at 80mph in the 70mph zone.
From what I can see it's plain that these conditions are part of most people's brain makeup, but often at very low, or varying levels - it tends to all be cyclical, which makes the picture more complex.
There's also possibly, probably an awful lot of people who are dealing with variations of similar conditions, who have no idea that some of the struggles they experience may be related to a mental health condition. It's estimated that 90% of the population of any prison may have mental health problems before incarceration. Are we doing the best by these people?
In the current system, where you need to be in extreme crisis to guarantee knowledgeable assistance, there is left a huge number of people who are below that threshold, but still living with a mental health condition, that could be playing havoc with their life, make relationships very hard to maintain, and that might be wrongfully ascribed to 'character'.
Everyone has their own way of expression a condition, just like we all have our own ways of responding to stress. Stress can bring out behaviours that are quite different to how we see ourselves when calm, and relaxed.
One thing I would do when I was moderately depressed was eat.
Though in the most depressed state food hardly had flavour, so it was a mechanical process. But that was my emotional 'go to' in the past. On the medication, I have lost most of my interest in carbohydrates, and I'm having things like brown rice and tuna, just because that's what appeals.
'Willpower'? Is it really what we think it is? Is 'will' actually something quite different from what we might have imagined for so long?
I can feel the rhythm of the medication now, after taking a tablet. I'm careful to overlap a little in the afternoon, because I can sometimes get irritable if I go through the very last part of the drug leaving my system. It's something I'm starting to sense coming, so I'm slowly making an internal reminder system about when the next tablet is needed. It works out around 0700, 1200, and 1700, and then I'm fine to let it tail off in the evening when I'm relaxing or writing. If I'm socialising I might push the time around a little to suit what I'm doing.
There's a XR option, which is a one-a-day slow release version. That's probably going to be an option to think about in the future.
I've been writing a lot. There's no sense of 'block' anymore. I feel pretty much myself, even an easier, more relaxed version of myself. And I was pretty easy and relaxed already (well when not dealing with depression). I'd probably say I'm the happiest I've been in my life. But it's also helping me focus on what I'm doing, and also to make sense of the past, and remember the other good times along the way.
I wouldn't mind the idea of a holiday from the medication. Do I want a lifetime relationship with it?
When I've had a few days without, between prescriptions, or if I just forget, I noticed things go scatty pretty fast. It seems more full on than I remember, but in most biochemical changes the brain has 'bounce'. Stopping a medication usually takes the brain a few days to re-regulate it's chemical mechanisms to a 'normal' blood supply.
This is London. It's a stressful place anyway. An alternative would be to find a more relaxed lifestyle and place to live. If I can get away somewhere with a pool and no much to do, it could work out just fine.
For the time being I'm on 'speed'. Just the tiniest amount. And it's all good.
* The follow up to this blog, is the start of new 'mental wellness' writing and social media project called "This is The Way Home". It can be found here:
And also here on Facebook:
I can't say the prescribing has got any easier. I did have a really good GP appointment (a two weekly routine) with a doctor who was open about their own periods of depression, and relief through anti-depressants. We were on the same page about seeing the brain as an organ, and with the analogy of diabetes, and insulin - there's no reason to think that the brain isn't subject to the same kinds of differences that occur in most, if not all other organs in our bodies.
We're each of us put together a little differently, just like all the other animals and plants in nature.
After the good appointment, and then getting to the pharmacy, the same problem cropped up with the good doctor having overlooked dating the prescription. Normally it's printed automatically, but as methylphenidate is a controlled substance, they want the doctor to verify the date, and they aren't used to doing it. So five out of five mistaken/rejected prescriptions. I'm hoping that my errant memory with pull something out of the hat, and I'll remember to check it over carefully next time. It seems like some patient transgression, to check over the work of your doctor, but it's one I'm going to have to commit if I want to avoid making double trips, or triple between GP and pharmacy. Have life. Could spend time better.
I'm still on the minimum dosage of three 5mg tablets per day, and it's working well.
I do have a good life, and it's getting better.
Previously I'd never really got anywhere financially. Life was far too chaotic. It's not like that suddenly solved, but that seems to be changing as well, with some business plans that seem to be the right thing at the right time.
I'm dating, it's going well. Conversations are easier, eye contact is easier. Lots of things are easier.
I still forget what I'm talking about sometimes, but it tends to come back, or I'll be reminded by who I'm talking with. Being 'out' about adhd, and bipolar, is leading to some really good friendships, and interesting conversations. I'm much less stressed about forgetting things around people who know the score, and it's got the point of being able to joke about it. ADHD can be funny when you're talking to people and digressing at 80mph in the 70mph zone.
From what I can see it's plain that these conditions are part of most people's brain makeup, but often at very low, or varying levels - it tends to all be cyclical, which makes the picture more complex.
There's also possibly, probably an awful lot of people who are dealing with variations of similar conditions, who have no idea that some of the struggles they experience may be related to a mental health condition. It's estimated that 90% of the population of any prison may have mental health problems before incarceration. Are we doing the best by these people?
In the current system, where you need to be in extreme crisis to guarantee knowledgeable assistance, there is left a huge number of people who are below that threshold, but still living with a mental health condition, that could be playing havoc with their life, make relationships very hard to maintain, and that might be wrongfully ascribed to 'character'.
Everyone has their own way of expression a condition, just like we all have our own ways of responding to stress. Stress can bring out behaviours that are quite different to how we see ourselves when calm, and relaxed.
One thing I would do when I was moderately depressed was eat.
Though in the most depressed state food hardly had flavour, so it was a mechanical process. But that was my emotional 'go to' in the past. On the medication, I have lost most of my interest in carbohydrates, and I'm having things like brown rice and tuna, just because that's what appeals.
'Willpower'? Is it really what we think it is? Is 'will' actually something quite different from what we might have imagined for so long?
I can feel the rhythm of the medication now, after taking a tablet. I'm careful to overlap a little in the afternoon, because I can sometimes get irritable if I go through the very last part of the drug leaving my system. It's something I'm starting to sense coming, so I'm slowly making an internal reminder system about when the next tablet is needed. It works out around 0700, 1200, and 1700, and then I'm fine to let it tail off in the evening when I'm relaxing or writing. If I'm socialising I might push the time around a little to suit what I'm doing.
There's a XR option, which is a one-a-day slow release version. That's probably going to be an option to think about in the future.
I've been writing a lot. There's no sense of 'block' anymore. I feel pretty much myself, even an easier, more relaxed version of myself. And I was pretty easy and relaxed already (well when not dealing with depression). I'd probably say I'm the happiest I've been in my life. But it's also helping me focus on what I'm doing, and also to make sense of the past, and remember the other good times along the way.
I wouldn't mind the idea of a holiday from the medication. Do I want a lifetime relationship with it?
When I've had a few days without, between prescriptions, or if I just forget, I noticed things go scatty pretty fast. It seems more full on than I remember, but in most biochemical changes the brain has 'bounce'. Stopping a medication usually takes the brain a few days to re-regulate it's chemical mechanisms to a 'normal' blood supply.
This is London. It's a stressful place anyway. An alternative would be to find a more relaxed lifestyle and place to live. If I can get away somewhere with a pool and no much to do, it could work out just fine.
For the time being I'm on 'speed'. Just the tiniest amount. And it's all good.
* The follow up to this blog, is the start of new 'mental wellness' writing and social media project called "This is The Way Home". It can be found here:
And also here on Facebook:
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