I woke up feeling better than I did the day before.
I often wake up to a thought process already in progress. It's like my brain stays busy all night. It's been much worse in the last two years. At the depths of severe depression it was like waking up with a buzz saw next to my head. I would go to sleep dreading the moment of waking.
Today everything is a tiny bit quieter. I make a coffee and take one of the 5mg tablets. Getting any sort of routine going was next to impossible, right from when I was a child. The only times I succeeded were when I scheduled eccentrically. I can remember at age nine or ten, writing out morning routines that were filled with times like 7.03 am and 8.24 am. Everything done to the minute.
Today, on day two, there's a feeling of calm. It's still subtle, but even with a late start I manage to organise myself and help my daughter get ready for school. I'm too busy to figure out what's happening but I don't care - it seems to be doing what I'd hoped it would do. I'm still having distracting thoughts, but they come at a slower pace, and seem less able to bump me off course.
At 1pm I take another tablet. Again I have a sense that I'm still feeling the morning dose but I stick to the schedule. There'll be room for fine-tuning later.
Overall I'm feeling really good about what's happening. The first two to three days will reveals the extent of possible side effects, like the metallic taste in my mouth. The body has a way of masking those out once it has got used to them, so there's a chance they will decrease.
The positive effect is like having discovered a focus control on my mental picture. I've been setting up this blog, and writing this, and the 'Day One' post for almost two hours now.
Previously I would have been up and down from my desk, chipping away at many different things in succession. Very little progress on anything.
It has not gone away entirely - I got up to get a drink, and then found myself upstairs putting on socks preparing to go out and buy a birthday gift for my daughter. During the process of getting a drink, I had completely forgotten that I was in the middle of writing this blog. This is the point where the train has diverted onto another siding, the driver completely unaware.
This is what happens constantly. I used to make jokes about it. In small amounts it's funny, even endearing. I would manifest as feeling inept at remembering significant dates, and birthdays - even my own. It can be as intimate as drifting away in the midst of making a hot drink, and suddenly finding yourself pouring hot water into the sugar bowl, instead of your cup.
As mentioned yesterday, the condition has an ebb and flow. When it gets intense, it is nothing short of debilitating.
I take the lunchtime tablet, but I notice the afternoon gets slower and slower. Concentration always gets more difficult. I'm noticing the effect on my appetite - food seems less appealing. Not in a bad way so much as just less 'relevant'. I can feel the hunger sensation, but the bond between that and my natural impulse to do something about it seems to be lessened.
I realise I've hardly eaten all day, so I make myself prepare something. Some weight loss would be nice, but taken too far, too quickly it becomes a stress on the body. Some people end up needing to reduce or even stop the medication to avoid getting dangerously thin.
The sensation of a emotional 'tone', isn't so high anymore. Getting to bed, and off to sleep is an easier process than it has been for quite a while.
I often wake up to a thought process already in progress. It's like my brain stays busy all night. It's been much worse in the last two years. At the depths of severe depression it was like waking up with a buzz saw next to my head. I would go to sleep dreading the moment of waking.
Today everything is a tiny bit quieter. I make a coffee and take one of the 5mg tablets. Getting any sort of routine going was next to impossible, right from when I was a child. The only times I succeeded were when I scheduled eccentrically. I can remember at age nine or ten, writing out morning routines that were filled with times like 7.03 am and 8.24 am. Everything done to the minute.
Today, on day two, there's a feeling of calm. It's still subtle, but even with a late start I manage to organise myself and help my daughter get ready for school. I'm too busy to figure out what's happening but I don't care - it seems to be doing what I'd hoped it would do. I'm still having distracting thoughts, but they come at a slower pace, and seem less able to bump me off course.
At 1pm I take another tablet. Again I have a sense that I'm still feeling the morning dose but I stick to the schedule. There'll be room for fine-tuning later.
Overall I'm feeling really good about what's happening. The first two to three days will reveals the extent of possible side effects, like the metallic taste in my mouth. The body has a way of masking those out once it has got used to them, so there's a chance they will decrease.
The positive effect is like having discovered a focus control on my mental picture. I've been setting up this blog, and writing this, and the 'Day One' post for almost two hours now.
Previously I would have been up and down from my desk, chipping away at many different things in succession. Very little progress on anything.
It has not gone away entirely - I got up to get a drink, and then found myself upstairs putting on socks preparing to go out and buy a birthday gift for my daughter. During the process of getting a drink, I had completely forgotten that I was in the middle of writing this blog. This is the point where the train has diverted onto another siding, the driver completely unaware.
This is what happens constantly. I used to make jokes about it. In small amounts it's funny, even endearing. I would manifest as feeling inept at remembering significant dates, and birthdays - even my own. It can be as intimate as drifting away in the midst of making a hot drink, and suddenly finding yourself pouring hot water into the sugar bowl, instead of your cup.
As mentioned yesterday, the condition has an ebb and flow. When it gets intense, it is nothing short of debilitating.
I take the lunchtime tablet, but I notice the afternoon gets slower and slower. Concentration always gets more difficult. I'm noticing the effect on my appetite - food seems less appealing. Not in a bad way so much as just less 'relevant'. I can feel the hunger sensation, but the bond between that and my natural impulse to do something about it seems to be lessened.
I realise I've hardly eaten all day, so I make myself prepare something. Some weight loss would be nice, but taken too far, too quickly it becomes a stress on the body. Some people end up needing to reduce or even stop the medication to avoid getting dangerously thin.
The sensation of a emotional 'tone', isn't so high anymore. Getting to bed, and off to sleep is an easier process than it has been for quite a while.
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