Day Eighteen

I haven't written for a while. I'm allowing myself to be busier than I have been for a long time, and it's a real tightrope walk between wanting to move forward, and trying preserve the progress I've made.

Busyness is good. It has always been a natural state for me, probably to the point of being too busy to really have a good look at what exactly I was doing, and whether that was what I really wanted, or was good at.

One thing I want to work into my new life is the ability to switch off, and slow down when I need to. I think everybody finds it hard to remember to slow down sometimes, and there is little about modern life which helps to facilitate that.

I had a brief time between prescription repeats where I stopped taking it for three days.

The drug I am taking, called Medikinet, is heavily controlled. It is closely related to the street drug 'speed' - this makes it's use controversial, and also makes it a target for pharmacy break-ins. For these reasons, it is only prescribed in two week intervals.

As a patient, this adds a mental load of remembering to set up and attend ongoing appointments. It also means that some pharmacies are reluctant to stock it, or they are still adjusting to the idea that psychiatry has begun to recognise that ADHD is not a condition which magically goes away after childhood.

It's true that many changes take place during adolescence, and that some people will cease treatment during those years, but the benefits of the medication is ongoing for others. The BBC had an excellent radio feature presented by Rory Bremner  which followed adults dealing with the condition, and the potential effects of medication.

My three days off the medication were not a disaster, but during that time it was much harder to remember to get back on it. My mind seemed to work faster, in an uncomfortable way. I'm sure there must be rebound effect, similar to when you start taking it, during which time your brain is over compensating for the new chemical state it is in.

After visiting three pharmacies, and having to go back for another prescription mistake/correction like the first one I had, I found a local place that was willing to order it in. I'm going to try to go back there in future - routines are a treatment in themselves, and they help me order my life.

I had been coming to the end of my depression naturally up to this point. My mood is quite normal, but the remaining feature is a constant low-level anxiety. There are certain periods of the day (and later at night) when it will recede, but it is the one thing that makes being alive so unrelentingly uncomfortable. I haven't had a day feeling good in my head for more than eighteen months now.

One fear has not materialised - I had assumed that taking a drug like methylphenidate would increase my anxiety, but I don't think that's the case. I would say it's unchanged, and I'm managing to get more done, which in improving my life will help rid myself of the anxiety eventually.

I feel like this situation is very slowly improving, as I start to take on more tasks, socialise more, and stop thinking about my mental process so often. I've had to build a faith that I can get through this, and that I can work my way back to having an enjoyable and stable life in the end.

I don't have days when I feel like giving up. I just have many days wishing the process of recovery was faster than the almost imperceptible changes that happen in the background of my mind.

Hopefully, all going well, there will be a time when I realised that I've a mood-stable, anxiety free day, and I will to do something to celebrate it.

I don't think I'll need much encouragement for that.