Day Nine

Yes, day nine.

So what happened to days five, six, seven, and eight?

The thing that always happens, a distraction from my thoughts spiral into a different mode of doing and thinking - like a butterfly flapping it's wings in one country, and causing a cyclone in another. And here I am back again, on a day which has been good from the start. A new temporary cycle of productivity begins.

In those non-blogged days I did remember to take the Ritalin, but sometimes not at the right time. A few days in I got so frustrated with the lack of progress that I tried raising my dosage to 10mg in the morning, with the last 5mg tablet in the afternoon. It helped a little, but something else was at play.

I also have bipolar (Type I), and amount 18 months ago I developed stress-triggered Type II - a seven month manic episode, followed by crippling depression, and a barely recognisable life.

This means I'm dealing with more than just the inattention of ADHD that is at the heart of the problems with trying to build a life. It's also a lot to do with my mood, which when not too stressed, ebbs and flows in 3-4 day cycles. Like the tendency to be distracted, this has been present in my life since childhood.

In fact, although I entertained the idea that I might have bipolar, I never saw how much it drove my work and personal relationships. There had been other periods of chaos - just not to the same extent. Still, it had a terrible effect on trying to maintain friendships and jobs. I just thought I was endlessly searching, when in fact I was endlessly alternating between periods of organisation, and periods of disarray.

Mental health is a big subject, but it's important to know that the labels of depression, bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and schizophrenia don't indicate a well understood medical condition/mechanism like leukaemia or diabetes.

The labels indicate collections of observed symptoms, which often overlap with one another. The causes behind them are not known. The standard psychiatric text, the DSM, is the origin of these diagnoses.

The DSM in turn was based on something called 'Medical 203' - an American military study from the 1940s, which statistically grouped mentally ill soldiers.

So how did I end up taking the ADHD medication. The short answer is that prescribing medication for mental health conditions is just as fuzzy as the definitions connected to each diagnosis. This isn't a sure solution - it's part of an ongoing effort to find out what works best.

Anti-depression medication was a disaster for me - it created a much more dangerous situation where my mood could plummet without warning. Lifelong bipolar medication is indicated for people who have episodes spontaneously.

At the heart of all of the identified conditions is the stunning complicated mysteries of the brain and consciousness. They are all heavily connected to creativity, self-belief, and what we think of as 'free will'.

Lastly for today, I want to point out this very good blog by Seaneen Molloy, who writes about mental health, and is based in London. Well worth a read.